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Part of me feels a deep overwhelming pain, loss. There is an ache inside that only time will cure. It’s been fueled over the last forty hours by the knowledge that we will never speak again. That all of our dreams are now doomed to remain unfulfilled. I’ve cried knowing that I will never kiss you or touch your skin. I can never hold you in my arms or play with your hair. You can’t take me dancing or teach me guitar. I’ll never be able to kiss you at the top of the Ferris wheel. Our children will never meet, or families will be strangers. There will never be a chance to watch your hair grow back. I can’t ever remind you how beautiful you are, even when you’re bald and too thin. I promised I’d remember you like to be kissed gently, with a nibble at the end. Tears burn my eyes as I grieve for the lost chance to wake up next to you. I still want to hold your hand everywhere, at home, in public, during sex and while we sleep. I have so many questions that will have to remain. What if they disown us. If anyone ever finds out we would be shunned and never allowed to see our family ever again. I’d never see the kids grow up and What about college and a job.” I started rambling on so fast that pretty soon it was all just noise in my ears.“Car, Cars, Carson!” Ryan yelled at me trying to get me to shut up but it wasn’t working, I just kept going. “Ca, Ca, Carso” finally he just shoved his lips onto mine. Suddenly all I felt was happy and I didn’t care. I had Ryan and that was all I needed.“Ok, I’m fine now” I said once he pulled back.“Good now just stay calm and nothing bad will happen, you got it”“Got it” I said smiling up at him. He smiled right back and leaned down to kiss me. The soft gentle kiss quickly turned to a very erotic passion filled one. Soon we were on top of each other on his bed. My robe was being quickly untied.“Hey, hey we still need to go see our family” I said pushing his face off mine. He gave me a sad puppy dog face as he got up. I walked.
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